When I write these post, I pray that I am conveying just how real Jesus is. He is not an idea, He is not a teacher, He is not a prophet, He is God. More than that, He is the God that is living, and avidly searching for us.
Whoever comes across my post, I pray that the words will get to the heart of you. For I hope and pray that what I write on here points to Jesus and not me. While it may be nice to have pretty words, that is not what I am trying to do. I am trying to convey what I feel inside, what is happening to me. The pain that sometimes suffocates me, the pain I try to make sense of, and the one God knows. The one He wants to heal, and promises to heal…when I let Him.
After I wrote my first two post for the month of January, I have been thrown back into a vicious cycle. The one that always renders me ashamed, and makes me hide from the Lord. I hide because I know that I am wrong. Its nothing new, and every time I go through this, I feel defeated. Well, like the last times, I am coming out with more knowledge.
My God, my savior is right here with me. I don’t feel it then, and I don’t forgive myself. But what pulls me back to the light is that He cares. He cares and He doesn’t let me keep myself away, for He gives me the strength to pray that prayer in my heart, asking for Him, even though I am too ashamed to lift my eyes to Him. To His light, His righteousness. His perfection, His perfect love.
I know that I am not perfect, but His perfect spirit within me makes me clean and helps me to be upright in front of Him. I realized that the more I fellowship and give in to the lord, the more trials come my way. The same trial, but more intense. I get overwhelmed and my fleshly nature battles with my spirit and I rebel. That’s right, Rebel! It behooves me also. Me! Rebelling, against the king of the universe. The giver of life, and love.
But t is true. The feeling of defeat is a recurring deceiver. I am pretty sure its not just with me. So here I am, another day of prayer, asking God for strength and thanking Him for His forgiveness. And praising Him, that he is God, and a merciful and loving one. I just pray that he pours his love out onto me, for I need to feel it.
I pray, Lord God, that you hold me in your arms, safe and protected. That no matter what may comes, I know that nothing is worth turning against you. For to be without you is crippling to me, in everyway. My spirit, my soul, my life, goes into a drought without you. The thirst gets overwhelming, and kills me slowly and intensely. Father God, I just pray that you lift mine eyes to you, and help me to focus on you Lord God. I thank you for pulling me once again from that highway Lord. I thank you, for now I am back with you, where I want to be, where I will stay until such times as you whisk me away Lord God, My God. In Jesus’ precious name I pray and thank you. Amen.