I Want to Overcome

So…

I have been trying to get words out for months now, but have been self conscious wondering if it is really what God has moved me to say. How will it affect others who happen across my blog. If I have learned anything, its that words said or written carelessly, even with the best of intention, can harm.

I started this blog, knowing that I want to write about what is the most important to me, and to others who don’t even realize: Jesus. But more than anything, I wanted to write about how I struggle, and how many times I feel like I am no where close to Him when He is in fact right within me.

Being a fairly new Christian, even one who grew up seeing her family turn to and call on God countless times, in both the good and the bad times, and knowing that that was where I wanted to end up, I still struggle with everything. I struggle to the point where I feel like He has no business to like me, while my spirit inside is desperately trying to unclench my tightly closed teeth to yell out for Him. Wondering if this is my last time.

Wanting to just run and be held by Him, asking, begging, crying for forgiveness. Forgiveness for being on the fence, being totally apathetic towards my walk.

I know Jesus is right with me, seeing everything, understanding the raging battle going on inside more clearly than I ever can. But the human part of me, is basically feeling too crippled to move, wondering why is it He’s so good to me, and when will He find out I am the biggest fraud there is, and release my hand.

It gets so bad that I second guess myself sometimes, wondering what is my true intentions for saying I believe? Fire insurance? I know its not that, because I can’s pretend with God. He knows me better than I know myself. I know the reason I am living is because of Him, and the reason I can be remotely nice is because of Him. Yet still I struggle.

overcome

I hope to share my struggles on here, for it says that by the blood of the lamb and the words of our testimony, we shall overcome. And I want to overcome. I have hope. And most of all I want you who have chanced upon my little blog to know that the struggle is real, and I want you to overcome. Confess to Jesus over and over, and you will be closer to overcoming. I believe this and I will be doing this also.

Disclaimer: The picture isn’t mine, I saw it on google image. the Url is: http://www.worshiphousemedia.com/worship-tracks/32174/Overcome

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Conviction…It’s My Turn

despair

It’s funny how conviction comes to a person, and how it comes when you are least prepared for it. Recently I have been experiencing conviction when correcting my niece. I try speaking to her softly in order for her to understand why it is that what she is doing is wrong, and why I am correcting her—because I love her and don’t want her to be hurt.

I noticed, while speaking to her, that the words I use to explain why I am correcting her correlates with what God says in the bible. And then it hits my heart, here I am correcting this child when I am being less than exemplary. Now I am sitting here and my sister is reading the bible to my nieces, and the words totally hit me. She is speaking about obedience (Deuteronomy), and how it helps you to live freely with favor here on earth, while you are waiting for all the goodness of heaven.  And there is a heaven.

It’s no secret that I have been going through struggles, and like everyone who experiences this; I don’t want to. The funny thing is that, and I’m not making excuses here, I keep remembering that it says in the bible that God is the potter and he is molding you, and as potters do to their creation, you will be put in the fire before you’re complete. 

I believe a hundred percent that God is working in me, but sometimes I think that I completely ignore this and do what I want. The stubbornness my heart expresses scares me so much, and sometimes leaves me speechless. Writing this now I am thinking I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. But then I just remembered what my pastor always teaches us: “Spiritual warfare is real. It’s a war that is constantly going on, and one that is taking place between your ears.”

How true these words are. Your head and your heart is that battlefield. We get distracted by what we like, what feels good, and stop focusing on where is God in all this. Once I felt this warfare: the spirit of Christ literally warring with this heart of mine. I told my friends about it, and what do I get? Their own stories that is basically the same. Sometimes it seems I understand, but then there are times like this when I am like “God deliver me fast, because I don’t want to be a disappointment.” But I can’t tell the master of this universe what to do, for his thoughts and ways are higher than mines, so here I am waiting and running this race of life. Ha how apt, human race. Paul knows his stuff.

race

Pass It On: Give Me Faith

Pass It on: Give me Faith!

There will come times in our life when we feel like such a lost cause. I guess you can say that I am feeling like that right this very moment. And no, it is not because of anyone’s influence, purely my own self sabotage.

I haven’t updated in a long time, not because I forgot about my blog or didn’t want to, because I seriously wanted to—I have such a passion for writing, and that’s why I blog….or try 🙂 at least—but because I didn’t have the words, and I don’t want to give words that are not inspired by God, especially since I am blogging about him.

But back on topic; here I am feeling like such an amazing loser, feeling as if I keep going through a long dark tunnel with the end nowhere in this century. I feel so trapped, so immobile. And what makes this a scary thing is that it is all my doing. My hands are the ones that are digging this grave.

How scary right?

Well yes it is scary, and this is from grave-digging-girl herself. But what is even scarier is knowing what is happening. Like I said in the first line; there are trials for everyone. I don’t care what your religion is or is not, we all suffer hard times. These times however, if we know what it is, are trials we go through. Yes, even people who don’t believe in God go through trials whether they want to believe it or not, because the truth is plain: the devil hates us.

Heck yeah, he gloats when we live our lives according to his doing instead of Jesus’. He’s not here as some great liberator to save us from some tyrannical ruler. He is here to distract us from the path we should take, the path our very souls (the very being of us) desire to go—back to being one with God. He gloats because he knows that he has committing a grave offense, and while he already picked his path—which is destruction—we have countless chances to go back to God (YES EVEN WHEN WE STRAY TO OUR LOWEST) because of God’s grace and mercy. He sacrificed his only son for us.

I get passionate when sharing the Lord, even now when I feel like I am the last person who should, because I know! I know what that peaceful calm is, even when there is a storm raging on around or inside of me. The power, people, the powerful love that God has for us that was shown on the cross by Jesus is so good. Oh my gosh, his love is hard to explain. Its like floating and not having to open your eyes to see if you’re going out too deep, because God has us safe in his arms, safely tucked into his love. And he is the One and Only God of this Universe. He is the controller of the roaring seas, the raging winds and this hell-filled world we live in.

That being said, I feel far away from him right now. I hate it. And here I am trying hard to run back to him, when he’s right beside me. I may not feel it right now, but I know it with my very soul, because he dwells inside my heart. He has that space and I love him so much.

I wish I didn’t have to do things I feel so ashamed of, or feel like I disappointed him, but he makes everything work out for his Good. And I don’t know what’s going on but he does and I just need to trust him. I don’t know who will see or glimpse this, but I want to say trust in Jesus even when you are at you’re lowest. His love never changes.

That being said I wanted to pass on this song: Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship.

Its Beautiful and it came to me not too long ago when I was dwelling on just what a fickle and despicable person I am. My Father in Heaven, I pray for whoever read this, and I pray for myself and others out there who are struggling Lord. Father, you have a plan and its Good Lord. Help us to give over control and focus to you Lord. God, Please help me. I feel so far away, but I know that you are right here. God though I feel ashamed and unclean, I know that by your grace and your mercy lord I am washed cleaned. I am washed whiter than snow. Lord God, Thank you. Thank you for loving me continuously and wholeheartedly. I am waiting for you God. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.