I Want to Overcome

So…

I have been trying to get words out for months now, but have been self conscious wondering if it is really what God has moved me to say. How will it affect others who happen across my blog. If I have learned anything, its that words said or written carelessly, even with the best of intention, can harm.

I started this blog, knowing that I want to write about what is the most important to me, and to others who don’t even realize: Jesus. But more than anything, I wanted to write about how I struggle, and how many times I feel like I am no where close to Him when He is in fact right within me.

Being a fairly new Christian, even one who grew up seeing her family turn to and call on God countless times, in both the good and the bad times, and knowing that that was where I wanted to end up, I still struggle with everything. I struggle to the point where I feel like He has no business to like me, while my spirit inside is desperately trying to unclench my tightly closed teeth to yell out for Him. Wondering if this is my last time.

Wanting to just run and be held by Him, asking, begging, crying for forgiveness. Forgiveness for being on the fence, being totally apathetic towards my walk.

I know Jesus is right with me, seeing everything, understanding the raging battle going on inside more clearly than I ever can. But the human part of me, is basically feeling too crippled to move, wondering why is it He’s so good to me, and when will He find out I am the biggest fraud there is, and release my hand.

It gets so bad that I second guess myself sometimes, wondering what is my true intentions for saying I believe? Fire insurance? I know its not that, because I can’s pretend with God. He knows me better than I know myself. I know the reason I am living is because of Him, and the reason I can be remotely nice is because of Him. Yet still I struggle.

I hope to share my struggles on here, for it says that by the blood of the lamb and the words of our testimony, we shall overcome. And I want to overcome. I have hope. And most of all I want you who have chanced upon my little blog to know that the struggle is real, and I want you to overcome. Confess to Jesus over and over, and you will be closer to overcoming. I believe this and I will be doing this also.

Disclaimer: The picture isn’t mine, I saw it on google image. the Url is: http://www.worshiphousemedia.com/worship-tracks/32174/Overcome

Compassionate and Gracious, Our God

Compassionate and Gracious, Our God.

This hit me. Pass it on.

Rationalization

Have you ever tried to rationalize sin?

What am I saying, that is one thing that I know we all do. We all try to rationalize it, and make things acceptable in our own way—cutting off our conscience and what we know is right in order to protect ourselves from what ever mental breakdown that will happen.

It 5:45 am, and I’ve just came to the realization of how hell feels. When people think of hell they are thinking fiery pit, big red scary guy with horns walking around with what looks like a triton in hand, laughing joyously as his minions whip us poor left behind-ers over and over again.

Well heck, no wonder why people think all this is fairy tale.

No, guys, we are wrong again. That’s us making up whatever that visual is to probably reconcile ourselves to a faith that was never intended for us, most likely to prepare ourselves for the inevitable pain.

That sounds bad right? But it’s so true…As humans, we do stuff like that. If you’re thinking “nope, not me”, well then you are an exception I guess.

But that’s not hell. Hell is being separated from God.

I’m sure we have felt separated from God before, Christian or not, and I can tell you that it is not a fun feeling. But if you feel so bad now, when we are still under the new testament where God is giving us grace every second that passes, imagine a soul in eternal agony?

Not flesh, mind you, but you’re soul. A soul that cannot die. The very being of you separated from the creator, and feeling this separation magnified to the nth power. No relief, no hope, no help. Only pain…

That’s hell.

Rebellion

When I write these post, I pray that I am conveying just how real Jesus is. He is not an idea, He is not a teacher, He is not a prophet, He is God. More than that, He is the God that is living, and avidly searching for us.

Whoever comes across my post, I pray that the words will get to the heart of you. For I hope and pray that what I write on here points to Jesus and not me. While it may be nice to have pretty words, that is not what I am trying to do. I am trying to convey what I feel inside, what is happening to me. The pain that sometimes suffocates me, the pain I try to make sense of, and the one God knows. The one He wants to heal, and promises to heal…when I let Him.

After I wrote my first two post for the month of January, I have been thrown back into a vicious cycle. The one that always renders me ashamed, and makes me hide from the Lord. I hide because I know that  I am wrong. Its nothing new, and every time I go through this, I feel defeated. Well, like the last times, I am coming out with more knowledge.

My God, my savior is right here with me. I don’t feel it then, and I don’t forgive myself. But what pulls me back to the light is that He cares. He cares and He doesn’t let me keep myself away, for He gives me the strength to pray that prayer in my heart, asking for Him, even though I am too ashamed to lift my eyes to Him. To His light, His righteousness. His perfection, His perfect love.

I know that I am not perfect, but His perfect spirit within me makes me clean and helps me to be upright in front of Him. I realized that the more I fellowship and give in to the lord, the more trials come my way. The same trial, but more intense. I get overwhelmed and my fleshly nature battles with my spirit and I rebel. That’s right, Rebel! It behooves me also. Me! Rebelling, against the king of the universe. The giver of life, and love.

But t is true. The feeling of defeat is a recurring deceiver. I am pretty sure its not just with me. So here I am, another day of prayer, asking God for strength and thanking Him for His forgiveness. And praising Him, that he is God, and a merciful and loving one. I just pray that he pours his love out onto me, for I need to feel it.

I pray, Lord God, that you hold me in your arms, safe and protected. That no matter what may comes, I know that nothing is worth turning against you. For to be without you is crippling to me, in everyway. My spirit, my soul, my life, goes into a drought without you. The thirst gets overwhelming, and kills me slowly and intensely.  Father God, I just pray that you lift mine eyes to you, and help me to focus on you Lord God. I thank you for pulling me once again from that highway Lord. I thank you, for now  I am back with you, where I want to be, where I will stay until such times as you whisk me away Lord God, My God. In Jesus’ precious name I pray and thank you. Amen.