I Want to Overcome

So…

I have been trying to get words out for months now, but have been self conscious wondering if it is really what God has moved me to say. How will it affect others who happen across my blog. If I have learned anything, its that words said or written carelessly, even with the best of intention, can harm.

I started this blog, knowing that I want to write about what is the most important to me, and to others who don’t even realize: Jesus. But more than anything, I wanted to write about how I struggle, and how many times I feel like I am no where close to Him when He is in fact right within me.

Being a fairly new Christian, even one who grew up seeing her family turn to and call on God countless times, in both the good and the bad times, and knowing that that was where I wanted to end up, I still struggle with everything. I struggle to the point where I feel like He has no business to like me, while my spirit inside is desperately trying to unclench my tightly closed teeth to yell out for Him. Wondering if this is my last time.

Wanting to just run and be held by Him, asking, begging, crying for forgiveness. Forgiveness for being on the fence, being totally apathetic towards my walk.

I know Jesus is right with me, seeing everything, understanding the raging battle going on inside more clearly than I ever can. But the human part of me, is basically feeling too crippled to move, wondering why is it He’s so good to me, and when will He find out I am the biggest fraud there is, and release my hand.

It gets so bad that I second guess myself sometimes, wondering what is my true intentions for saying I believe? Fire insurance? I know its not that, because I can’s pretend with God. He knows me better than I know myself. I know the reason I am living is because of Him, and the reason I can be remotely nice is because of Him. Yet still I struggle.

overcome

I hope to share my struggles on here, for it says that by the blood of the lamb and the words of our testimony, we shall overcome. And I want to overcome. I have hope. And most of all I want you who have chanced upon my little blog to know that the struggle is real, and I want you to overcome. Confess to Jesus over and over, and you will be closer to overcoming. I believe this and I will be doing this also.

Disclaimer: The picture isn’t mine, I saw it on google image. the Url is: http://www.worshiphousemedia.com/worship-tracks/32174/Overcome

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Rationalization

Have you ever tried to rationalize sin?

What am I saying, that is one thing that I know we all do. We all try to rationalize it, and make things acceptable in our own way—cutting off our conscience and what we know is right in order to protect ourselves from what ever mental breakdown that will happen.

It 5:45 am, and I’ve just came to the realization of how hell feels. When people think of hell they are thinking fiery pit, big red scary guy with horns walking around with what looks like a triton in hand, laughing joyously as his minions whip us poor left behind-ers over and over again.

Well heck, no wonder why people think all this is fairy tale.

No, guys, we are wrong again. That’s us making up whatever that visual is to probably reconcile ourselves to a faith that was never intended for us, most likely to prepare ourselves for the inevitable pain.

That sounds bad right? But it’s so true…As humans, we do stuff like that. If you’re thinking “nope, not me”, well then you are an exception I guess.

But that’s not hell. Hell is being separated from God.

I’m sure we have felt separated from God before, Christian or not, and I can tell you that it is not a fun feeling. But if you feel so bad now, when we are still under the new testament where God is giving us grace every second that passes, imagine a soul in eternal agony?

Not flesh, mind you, but you’re soul. A soul that cannot die. The very being of you separated from the creator, and feeling this separation magnified to the nth power. No relief, no hope, no help. Only pain…

That’s hell.

Rebellion

When I write these post, I pray that I am conveying just how real Jesus is. He is not an idea, He is not a teacher, He is not a prophet, He is God. More than that, He is the God that is living, and avidly searching for us.

Whoever comes across my post, I pray that the words will get to the heart of you. For I hope and pray that what I write on here points to Jesus and not me. While it may be nice to have pretty words, that is not what I am trying to do. I am trying to convey what I feel inside, what is happening to me. The pain that sometimes suffocates me, the pain I try to make sense of, and the one God knows. The one He wants to heal, and promises to heal…when I let Him.

After I wrote my first two post for the month of January, I have been thrown back into a vicious cycle. The one that always renders me ashamed, and makes me hide from the Lord. I hide because I know that  I am wrong. Its nothing new, and every time I go through this, I feel defeated. Well, like the last times, I am coming out with more knowledge.

My God, my savior is right here with me. I don’t feel it then, and I don’t forgive myself. But what pulls me back to the light is that He cares. He cares and He doesn’t let me keep myself away, for He gives me the strength to pray that prayer in my heart, asking for Him, even though I am too ashamed to lift my eyes to Him. To His light, His righteousness. His perfection, His perfect love.

I know that I am not perfect, but His perfect spirit within me makes me clean and helps me to be upright in front of Him. I realized that the more I fellowship and give in to the lord, the more trials come my way. The same trial, but more intense. I get overwhelmed and my fleshly nature battles with my spirit and I rebel. That’s right, Rebel! It behooves me also. Me! Rebelling, against the king of the universe. The giver of life, and love.

But t is true. The feeling of defeat is a recurring deceiver. I am pretty sure its not just with me. So here I am, another day of prayer, asking God for strength and thanking Him for His forgiveness. And praising Him, that he is God, and a merciful and loving one. I just pray that he pours his love out onto me, for I need to feel it.

I pray, Lord God, that you hold me in your arms, safe and protected. That no matter what may comes, I know that nothing is worth turning against you. For to be without you is crippling to me, in everyway. My spirit, my soul, my life, goes into a drought without you. The thirst gets overwhelming, and kills me slowly and intensely.  Father God, I just pray that you lift mine eyes to you, and help me to focus on you Lord God. I thank you for pulling me once again from that highway Lord. I thank you, for now  I am back with you, where I want to be, where I will stay until such times as you whisk me away Lord God, My God. In Jesus’ precious name I pray and thank you. Amen.

Our Path—Temporary, or Eternity

One ridiculed, and one asked for forgiveness.
When we are in a less than nice situation, our backs either go up, or we own up to our wrong doings.

I have been in a position such as this, and I have responded in both ways before. As you can probably guess, I have regretted the first response more times than not. And you might have experienced that before yourself, where you replay the many ways you could have done things differently. Hindsight.

The thing is, we grow everyday as human beings. We have the option to learn from our mistakes, so that we can do things differently—or share with others what the right decisions are.

Christ Jesus came to earth to bring us a new covenant, so that we may return where we once were, where we were made to be—walking side by side with God our father.

christian-crosses-background

He hung on that cross for us, even though He didn’t have to. But He wanted to. Wanted to. He was innocent of everything, yet He suffered for us. He hung with two men, one who ridiculed Him, and one who recognized Him for who He was and asked for forgiveness. Two men, similar crimes, but different response at the end of their lives.

You don’t have to continue on a lifeless path, you have the chance to turn away at anytime. No matter how bad you feel it is. We make thousands of choices in everyday, and one influence the other. So when you make a great decision, it will influence your other choices, and so on. We have His love and Grace with us.

Pastor Bob at my church shared a true story once, about two brothers. They grew up in a loving family, had great opportunities, but responded differently in life. One chose to kill President Lincoln, and the other actually saved the life of Lincoln’s son.

Its safe to say that we all know what life is about: Love. We see it in movies, and hear it in some songs. But more than that, we yearn for it ourselves. So why don’t we live the love we want? Why is so hard? Because we don’t have Jesus. God is love. Not has love, but is Love. Until we accept Him, how can we have, show and give the love that is so important. It all influences the choices we make, and the first choice we should make is to choose Jesus.

obey-god-forked-path

The path is not easy, but it leads to living. Living true, free and most of all, it leads to a whole eternity of Love! Be set free in every way. Your spirit is so very thirsty, and only the creator can help it thirst no more.

Pass It On: This is Amazing Grace

BGL

This Is Amazing Grace!

Oh How joyus life is, when your soul is where it should be—with the creator.   –by Me Smile

I can tell you right this moment that I did not wake up in a happy mood, in fact I am not happy right now. But the joy that I have inside is  completely in control.

I read my bible in a halfhearted attempt, bot even remembering to pray until after I started. But I always want to be honest with God (even though he knows what’s already going on) I still like to say it out loud to him.

After finishing, I kept hearing this song in my head, and so I sung it out loud. Knew I mixed up the lyrics so I went to search it up—saw that the singer of the song was an artist I just came to know. Galvanized, I went on Spotify and listened to it. Then I listened to the song that introduced me to the artist: This Is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham.

Guys, our God is amazing. He is love, He is joy, and we yearn for Him so much. He is what our soul is looking for, He is that missing link that we search so hard to find. You can’t be half hearted with Him, for we need Him in every way. Call it a crutch, call it whatever…but don’t let your pride, sorrow, addictions, or whatever burdened that you keep inside separate you from Him. Its not worth it.

He is our healer, our redeemer, our everything. Go to Him, and let Him love you and you love Him. Gosh I wish I can put my feelings and my experiences in my life into words, and show you how real he is, but I can’t. I wouldn’t do it justice. I just have Faith—and no its not easy all the time, but His love makes it bearable.

“This is amazing grace
This is unfailing love
That You would take my place
That You would bear my cross
You would lay down Your life
That I would be set free
Jesus, I sing for
All that You’ve done for me” —Phil Wickham

This song woke up the joy that was below all the melancholy that was starting to envelop me. Singing it just made all that deep seated joy break free. And I do have joy, because I know my King is real, that He loves me, and having faith in Him opens me up to His grace and hHs unfailing love. I pray that you will learn of this AMAZING GRACE and LIMITLESS LOVE that you have for free, and feel safe and warm in this unsure and cold world.

Lets Make A Deal Sir Jesus…

It came to my attention, while engrossed in a Bollywood romantic film, that when we approach Jesus our mentality is: “ok, do this for me and I promise you I’ll do this”.

Where do we come off thinking like this? I think we get the idea from our own human experiences, for at times this is how we have to deal with people, or so we believe. Compound this with our guilt at living life the way we want to instead of how we should, and here we have the root of why we feel the need to make  deals with Jesus. We, me included, can not fathom the undiluted, graceful love that he pours out on our undeserving  self.

None the less, we have it. We all have it, and there is no deal or promise that we can ever make with him to take all that we’ve done away. Which is why he said, as he hung on the cross bloodied and willingly and obediently suffering death for us; “It is finished”.

He did it, and  all we need to do is accept it. I can never promise God something in exchange of something I desire, for I know myself enough to know that failure is lurking in the corner waiting for the right moment. That sounds horrible, so let me reiterate: I get in my own way. I just want to take what he offers freely, and I want to share it with others. 
Some people can make promises to Jesus, by all means. But there is no need to barter, for all we need to do is accept and ask. He knows what’s best and does everything for our good.

Thank you Jesus, for listening to me and doing for me so much more than I could ever imagine.

Salvation is by GRACE alone, through Faith alone, in Christ alone. I desire this that you offer freely Jesus, even though I am often so selfish. It’s more than the guilt I harbor that speaks, but also the desire to be right with you. The desire to speak with you and share your light.